Confessions of a Hypocrite

I constantly think about what my next update should be. At times I have really good ideas on how to help and other times I think I am just a hypocrite. There is a saying that goes, “it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” Most of the time I don’t really feel that way.
I am a much better listener than a talker. I am also a people observer. I like to see the relationships people have as well as how one person will relate to various types of people. It is really amazing the things that you learn from using those little tricks.

I find it interesting that people do not want to be judged on certain things, then turn around and judge others for the same things. Then there are those who will look right past someone who is truly deserving of their attention, to a person right behind them because the world says they are better. I like to measure a person not by how they treat their superiors, or even their equals, but by how they treat the underdog.

When I see what I see and hear the things that I hear, it leaves me very little hope that people can truly love and accept others the way they deserve. I see people act like best friends. Yet that same person was just talking behind the other’s back two minutes before.

It is reasons like this that I tend to believe that is better to have never loved at all. I know the same things that are happening to other people are also happening to me. So my defense has gotten to the point where I don’t try to make friends with others. When I hear people talking bad about another person, or I see people playing favorites and excluding someone else, all I feel I can do is shut down.

I have done a few different versions of the color tests throughout my schooling. If I have learned anything about myself it is that I am very indecisive and hold loyalty in people above most other qualities. I basically don’t trust anyone because there doesn’t seem to be any of the loyal friends left. Even people who are supposed to be on my side tend to play against me at times.

The problem is I am a hypocrite too. Because of my lack of trust in others, I don’t make new friends and I don’t tell my friends anything about me either. I choose to turn myself into a social recluse. I always thought that if I didn’t have relationships with others then it wouldn’t bother me to see them get hurt and I wouldn’t get hurt either. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work out the way I hoped it would. It doesn’t matter if I don’t get involved, I still hear, see and feel things just the same. The only way to fix it is to try and prevent other’s pain.

That is where the whole Love’s Fire idea comes in. Ignoring is not easier; it just makes the problems worse because nobody is fighting for those who need it. The problem is I am only one person. Alone my fight won’t amount to much. If we all fight we could make a difference.